The end of a relation
This system will give you a strategy for getting your ex back. It breaks the process down step by step. You will learn to recognize how your own actions appear to your ex, and how changing what you do can change how your ex thinks about you.
Step 1 - Take the heat off
When the other person has ended the relationship and moved on, it's common to feel things are out of control. The natural reaction is to try to get control back, but we don't know how. We often end up obsessing about what we have lost and end up doing all the wrong things, so that we drive our ex further away, even though that's the last thing we want.
The first priorities when dealing with a break up that you want to mend are to limit the damage that has been done and to stop doing things that can make things worse.
Because we desperately want to keep the relationship going, we often resort to pleading, begging, and trying to put pressure on the other, and this typically leads to fighting and more unhappiness. Instead of helping to keep the relationship together, this kind of behavior only pushes your ex further away.
If you find yourself pleading, nagging or doing things like texting all the time, constantly checking for emails and phone calls that never come, or hanging out where you expect your ex to show up so you can confront them, then it is very important to stop this.
An important step that will help you find calm and set yourself up for the long process of getting your ex back is to accept the breakup.
This might seem to be the opposite of what you should do, because what you want is to get back together. You have to take a long term view. Think of your plan to get your ex back as a process with many stages and steps. The first step is to stop making things worse, and fighting with someone who wants to break up with you by trying to make them stay is only driving them further away.
Agree instead that breaking up is the right thing to do, and you have made an important shift. Now you and your ex agree about something! Remember, this is only the first step. Your ultimate goal is to get your ex to decide that getting back together is what they really want. It begins by accepting the break up so you can prepare for the next steps.
Step 2 - Assess the relationship and its potential
Almost every relationship is salvageable so there is always reason to be hopeful, but a lot depends on your ex and their situation. Of course, there can be many reasons for a relationship to end, and sometimes it isn't because of any really problematic behavior.
Especially in younger couples, it can simply be a matter of getting the balance right between preserving your own space and smothering your partner with too much attention.
With this in mind, take a realistic look at whether this relationship is one you can and want to save.
First you must ask yourself why you want to get your ex back. Is it because you truly love this person as they are, or are you in love with who they could be, or with the idea of who you want them to be in your life?
Remember, changing how your ex sees you is the goal, and even if they are cold and distant now, or if they seem to have moved on with someone else, you may still be able to get your ex back by showing them that things are different, and giving them time to come around.
Step 3 - Show your sympathetic side, and consider an apology
A heartfelt apology can do wonders to encourage forgiveness and healing - In the right circumstances. You must gauge whether your ex will be receptive to your apology, because if you get it wrong it will only make things worse.
The keys are to know why you are apologizing, and to be sincere about it. If you are not truly sorry, it will be obvious and your apology will really be more of an insult, because it shows you don't really care - you are just using your apology as a way to get what you want.
It will make a tremendous difference to show sympathy toward your ex. Make it your top priority to avoid fighting and instead find ways to create agreement. If you can get on the same side about something - even some small thing - you are moving away from discord and positioning yourself as an ally for your ex instead of an opponent. The agreement on the decision to break up we looked at in step 1 is an important example of this.
Being understood creates a very powerful feeling of connection to the other person. Show your ex you understand and sympathize with them, and you will almost certainly change how they think about you. They may even start to wonder if they are making the right decision to end the relationship.
Step 4 - Cut off communication
For the time being, do not make any effort to contact your ex. When you cut off communication you create space for some "thinking time". It may seem counter-intuitive, but by cutting communication off you are signaling that you have already moved on and that you are doing just fine.
People often want what they can't have, and if your ex thinks they can no longer have you, this alone can be enough to turn them around and start to want to get back together.
So, make yourself scarce. If your ex contacts you, be ready to engage with them in a friendly, sympathetic way, but maintain a little distance and keep it that way.
It takes time for this process to work, and jumping back in at the first sign of encouragement can destroy all hopes of recovering your relationship.
Step 5 - Return to a life of your own
Your aim is to get your ex to fall in love with you again, and since people are drawn to happy people it makes sense to find ways to appear happy, even if you might not always feel it inside. When you can find happiness in your situation you will make yourself much more attractive to others.
Make the effort to connect with old friends, get out of your usual surroundings, try new hobbies or sports. Enjoy life!
This actually paves the way for you to find new relationships, if that's what you want, and gives you the power to choose whether or not you still want to get back together with your ex. Surprisingly, this in itself can be a powerful advantage in reviving a broken relationship.
Here is an important guideline: don't try to catch attention by making your ex jealous. It could possibly work sometimes, but is just as likely to backfire and end things for good.
Simply be yourself. There was a really good reason for why you and your ex had a relationship to begin with, so go back to being yourself and you will help your ex remember why they loved you in the first place. Your renewed self perception will likely make your ex look at you with new eyes.
Step 6 - Be honest with yourself, and correct your faults
If you can point to one specific thing that caused your breakup you must be prepared to change that. If there was a series of events that eventually tipped your ex over the edge, you may first need to unravel the real problems so you know what to focus on.
Apply the golden rule: if you wouldn't tolerate a certain behavior from your partner, why would you expect them to tolerate it in you?
Whatever the root problems are, working on overcoming your faults is simply the price of being in harmony with your ex.
You have to remember that if you manage to get back together with your ex without correcting your underlying problems, whatever they are, then your reconciliation will only be temporary. To make the relationship permanent the change has to be permanent.
Step 7 - Set the stage for getting back together
Knowing when the time is right to commit yourself to being together again is difficult, because most of us are so intent on recovering the relationship and making things work that we jump at the first sign that things might be on the mend.
As you complete the other steps in the process look for signs of warmth, connectedness and encouragement from your ex. Be happy if you see them, but take it slow. Be available, but don't open up completely just yet. Don't be tempted to see one small gesture of acceptance as a sign that they are ready to be persuaded once and for all.
Let your ex be the one to say they want you back, and make sure they really mean it when it happens.
And when it does happen - Congratulations! Getting back with an ex you thought you had lost is one of life's sweetest experiences.
7 Step System To Get Your Ex Back And Rebuild Your Relationship
ship is one of the most painful and often confusing experiences of our lives. We nearly all go through it at some point, but no one knows what to do when faced with a break up - it isn't something we learn along the way.This system will give you a strategy for getting your ex back. It breaks the process down step by step. You will learn to recognize how your own actions appear to your ex, and how changing what you do can change how your ex thinks about you.
Step 1 - Take the heat off
When the other person has ended the relationship and moved on, it's common to feel things are out of control. The natural reaction is to try to get control back, but we don't know how. We often end up obsessing about what we have lost and end up doing all the wrong things, so that we drive our ex further away, even though that's the last thing we want.
The first priorities when dealing with a break up that you want to mend are to limit the damage that has been done and to stop doing things that can make things worse.
Because we desperately want to keep the relationship going, we often resort to pleading, begging, and trying to put pressure on the other, and this typically leads to fighting and more unhappiness. Instead of helping to keep the relationship together, this kind of behavior only pushes your ex further away.
If you find yourself pleading, nagging or doing things like texting all the time, constantly checking for emails and phone calls that never come, or hanging out where you expect your ex to show up so you can confront them, then it is very important to stop this.
An important step that will help you find calm and set yourself up for the long process of getting your ex back is to accept the breakup.
This might seem to be the opposite of what you should do, because what you want is to get back together. You have to take a long term view. Think of your plan to get your ex back as a process with many stages and steps. The first step is to stop making things worse, and fighting with someone who wants to break up with you by trying to make them stay is only driving them further away.
Agree instead that breaking up is the right thing to do, and you have made an important shift. Now you and your ex agree about something! Remember, this is only the first step. Your ultimate goal is to get your ex to decide that getting back together is what they really want. It begins by accepting the break up so you can prepare for the next steps.
Step 2 - Assess the relationship and its potential
Almost every relationship is salvageable so there is always reason to be hopeful, but a lot depends on your ex and their situation. Of course, there can be many reasons for a relationship to end, and sometimes it isn't because of any really problematic behavior.
Especially in younger couples, it can simply be a matter of getting the balance right between preserving your own space and smothering your partner with too much attention.
With this in mind, take a realistic look at whether this relationship is one you can and want to save.
First you must ask yourself why you want to get your ex back. Is it because you truly love this person as they are, or are you in love with who they could be, or with the idea of who you want them to be in your life?
Remember, changing how your ex sees you is the goal, and even if they are cold and distant now, or if they seem to have moved on with someone else, you may still be able to get your ex back by showing them that things are different, and giving them time to come around.
Step 3 - Show your sympathetic side, and consider an apology
A heartfelt apology can do wonders to encourage forgiveness and healing - In the right circumstances. You must gauge whether your ex will be receptive to your apology, because if you get it wrong it will only make things worse.
The keys are to know why you are apologizing, and to be sincere about it. If you are not truly sorry, it will be obvious and your apology will really be more of an insult, because it shows you don't really care - you are just using your apology as a way to get what you want.
It will make a tremendous difference to show sympathy toward your ex. Make it your top priority to avoid fighting and instead find ways to create agreement. If you can get on the same side about something - even some small thing - you are moving away from discord and positioning yourself as an ally for your ex instead of an opponent. The agreement on the decision to break up we looked at in step 1 is an important example of this.
Being understood creates a very powerful feeling of connection to the other person. Show your ex you understand and sympathize with them, and you will almost certainly change how they think about you. They may even start to wonder if they are making the right decision to end the relationship.
Step 4 - Cut off communication
For the time being, do not make any effort to contact your ex. When you cut off communication you create space for some "thinking time". It may seem counter-intuitive, but by cutting communication off you are signaling that you have already moved on and that you are doing just fine.
People often want what they can't have, and if your ex thinks they can no longer have you, this alone can be enough to turn them around and start to want to get back together.
So, make yourself scarce. If your ex contacts you, be ready to engage with them in a friendly, sympathetic way, but maintain a little distance and keep it that way.
It takes time for this process to work, and jumping back in at the first sign of encouragement can destroy all hopes of recovering your relationship.
Step 5 - Return to a life of your own
Your aim is to get your ex to fall in love with you again, and since people are drawn to happy people it makes sense to find ways to appear happy, even if you might not always feel it inside. When you can find happiness in your situation you will make yourself much more attractive to others.
Make the effort to connect with old friends, get out of your usual surroundings, try new hobbies or sports. Enjoy life!
This actually paves the way for you to find new relationships, if that's what you want, and gives you the power to choose whether or not you still want to get back together with your ex. Surprisingly, this in itself can be a powerful advantage in reviving a broken relationship.
Here is an important guideline: don't try to catch attention by making your ex jealous. It could possibly work sometimes, but is just as likely to backfire and end things for good.
Simply be yourself. There was a really good reason for why you and your ex had a relationship to begin with, so go back to being yourself and you will help your ex remember why they loved you in the first place. Your renewed self perception will likely make your ex look at you with new eyes.
Step 6 - Be honest with yourself, and correct your faults
If you can point to one specific thing that caused your breakup you must be prepared to change that. If there was a series of events that eventually tipped your ex over the edge, you may first need to unravel the real problems so you know what to focus on.
Apply the golden rule: if you wouldn't tolerate a certain behavior from your partner, why would you expect them to tolerate it in you?
Whatever the root problems are, working on overcoming your faults is simply the price of being in harmony with your ex.
You have to remember that if you manage to get back together with your ex without correcting your underlying problems, whatever they are, then your reconciliation will only be temporary. To make the relationship permanent the change has to be permanent.
Step 7 - Set the stage for getting back together
Knowing when the time is right to commit yourself to being together again is difficult, because most of us are so intent on recovering the relationship and making things work that we jump at the first sign that things might be on the mend.
As you complete the other steps in the process look for signs of warmth, connectedness and encouragement from your ex. Be happy if you see them, but take it slow. Be available, but don't open up completely just yet. Don't be tempted to see one small gesture of acceptance as a sign that they are ready to be persuaded once and for all.
Let your ex be the one to say they want you back, and make sure they really mean it when it happens.
And when it does happen - Congratulations! Getting back with an ex you thought you had lost is one of life's sweetest experiences.
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